Coming Clean

I’ve noticed that many people act completely differently behind their monitors and real life. Some people who constantly flame and insult others are in truth, sad little children or people who didn’t really get much love and attention, deserved or undeserved, when they were growing up. Whereas people who seem easy to talk to online are really people who are really mean in real life. Usually, they tend to create a facade to hide behind online, since unlike real life, no one knows who you are, and if you’ve just started participating in an online community, there are no rumors or anything that would define what kind of person you are. Of course, while there are people who put up a farce online, there are also people who only show their true selves online. A person who is really friendly in real life could be a cyberbully, or a person who hates socializing is very easy to get along with online. Me? I’m the kind of person who shows who I really am online, but only to people I know I can trust.

People who frequent the team channel on IRC would know that I usually joke around with people, indirectly insulting people who I do not really take a liking to, and hardly even seem serious. Well, I have been told that I may seem serious when I’m just joking around, so that may have caused many misunderstandings, but I couldn’t really be bothered to clear them up.

But that’s the way I act when I’m with friends…

To complete strangers and people who I do not get along with, I’m cold, cynical, apathetic and openly hostile. I hardly speak to people, I ignore people who I find do not deserve my respect, I openly insult and question motives and agendas, if you spill out your problems to me, the only thing I would tell you is “How does that relate to me?”, if you ask me to do you a favor, I would tell you to shove it up your own ass.

“Wow, that sounds completely fake and I bet you just took that personality description from some anime and then re-wrote it so it looks like you wrote it.” is probably what you’re thinking at this point. Well, let me point out to you that you are either mentally damaged, or you are one of the people who don’t get along with me.

I’m not trying to get sympathy or anything with this post, all I’m trying to say is that people should try to come to terms with who they really are. I usually try to avoid getting to know people, since it takes a lot of energy for me to act friendly towards them and for all I know, they would just end up being one of the people who are more than happy to contribute to the very vast collection of knives I already have in my back.

I am also somewhat manipulative, since I usually don’t try to get chummy with someone if I know I wouldn’t get anything out of the relationship. Examples would be when I was in secondary school. I started off the year on a level of mutual respect with everyone, but that was only so that I know I would have seat cushionspeople to work with for group work. Towards of the end of the year, I would turn hostile to everyone whom I found to be useless to me. When a new guy transfered into our class, I was one of the first to get chummy with him, and people kept asking me why I was the only one who was friendly with him. I would just tell them that “I don’t know”. When honestly, all I wanted was to find something to use as ammunition when I would ultimately turn on him. When I did, many of the people whom I didn’t get along with automatically went to his side, and making me seem more unfriendly and more of an enemy in their eyes, and I don’t really blame them for it. In fact, I even made a certain connection between being friendly with people and my grades. The more people I got along with, the worse my grades were.

And that is how I was when I was in secondary school. In tertiary education, I felt that it was time to be honest with myself. Did I really want to make so many enemies? Was using people the only reason why I got along with them? What would it be like if I actually got along with them?

So then I started being friendlier. Trying to be more caring and easier to get along with, the polar opposite of what I was in secondary school. It was really tiring at first. But I found that it wasn’t as tiring as hating everyone around me. I didn’t have to keep my guard up all the time, and I knew I had people I could count on if I needed help.

And that is the story of the evolution of my personality, and a very brief description of my past. I came to terms with myself, while making friends is something I am not good at, mainly because of my lack of social skills, since I hated all that crap back in secondary school, moral education and whatever crap, still do, actually. But even with an EQ of negative value, I can still make friends, although the duration of the friendship isn’t very long.

The main thing I’m very concerned about in a friendship is trust. I usually give chances to people who betray that trust once or twice, but for people who repeatedly do it, namely a certain piece of fuckshit, I sever all ties with that person, and insult that person whenever an opportunity rises. Call me petty, but I find that if you give too many chances, that person will never learn, and just simply repeatedly betray me time and again.

One thing I learned in my final year in secondary school was to look within yourself. To imagine yourself walking along a beach or some place devoid of anyone else. You come across a small house, and you find the door is open, almost inviting you to enter. You enter, and you see many symbols and statues on display. You see a closed fist, a warrior among others. Then, at the other end of the room, you see a door, light streaming through the crack between the door and the floor. You walk up to the door, and open it. Behind it, you see your own symbol/statue. A figure representing you for who you truly are, each sign unique to each seeker. You may not find your own symbol immediately, and may take several tries before you do find it. I have yet to find my own symbol, to be honest, I only did that thing once, when I was taught about it.

Okay, rant over. Not something you would find on an otaku’s blog, but I guess it just shows you how human we are too, eh? Just because we watch anime, read manga, build plamo or collect figures, or all of the above, doesn’t mean we’re the bane of society, well, not all of us.


4 Responses to “Coming Clean”

  1. 1 phossil 9 March, 2009 at 6:57 am

    we are humans after all and everyone is different.

  2. 2 Persocom 21 March, 2009 at 3:27 am

    well, at least you’re honest about who you are and who you were. that deserves respect in itself. I guess I haven’t spent enough time in IRC to really form opinions of people, but it’s hard to tell what someone is like in real life when you’re online. most people do pull acts to protect themselves. I think I’m pretty open and honest but I have a hard time connecting with people and getting over that social barrier that I’ve never quite figured out how to break.

  3. 3 AK 3 April, 2009 at 10:18 am

    Very profound, man. I think even I have mentioned this on my blog at some point of time.

    I can quite safely say that I’m like you to a certain extent. I used to keep myself away from others cos I used to be too open and gullible during my childhood days, and would always get taken advantage of. After that, I lived by the motto, ‘never trust anybody but yourself’.

    But it was tiring to keep that up. I can’t stand frowning all the time. My friendly personality still shows, and people pick that up, and they try to connect to me. And I can’t help but put on a smile and connect back. Cos that’s what (some) humans are. Aware of the attentions of the people around them.

    At this point of time I can safely say I balance myself somewhere in the middle in terms of hostility and hospitality. In truth it’s more of a ‘I’m friendly to you, I trust you, but deep within my mind I’m making preparations to act in case you ever backstab me.’

  4. 4 Z 11 April, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I don’t really know what to say after reading this but… you telling us who you are and you are being honest about who you are, so I respect that ^_^b

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